So perhaps it is my guilty conscience or some delusions of grandeur, but I feel like I have been notably missing from xxboy for some time now. Less frequent posting was an almost inevitable course, though, simply because as I get further into the “post transition” phase, gender and being trans is just less on my mind, so I have less post ideas filed away and I just down less notes and feel less urgency about getting those ideas and notes I do have out there.

BUT, what is mostly going on is that I am swamped. My boss is in the final stages of submitting her manuscript to the publisher, so we have been working around the clock, I’ve started DJing again, and the big one - I’m taking the GREs in two and half weeks and submitting applications to some really tough Counseling Psychology Ph.D programs in the next month or two. Meanwhile, I still have a commitment to Autostraddle, which unlike my free blog, relies on consistency of its contributors to stay running.

So those are my reasons - please don’t consider them excuses. But the fact that I am busy and stressed and surviving is something worth noting.

When you are really struggling, you can often get lost in it. You find yourself forgetting what it was like to be at peace or happy or to feel stable. I remember being in the deep muck of gender dysphoria, at times convinced that I would never get beyond those feelings. I lost interest in working anything else out because all I could think about was how stuck I was, how much I hated my body, and even how scared I was. More recently, this summer, for reasons other than gender, I had a few really rough weeks. I remember watching Ally McBeal (I can’t believe I’m admitting this) and wishing I had enough wits about me to worry about love or career or anything. Again I was so lost in the muck of struggle that I didn’t see a way out and I didn’t see a future post-struggle.

Not even two months later, I had begun looking seriously at doctorate programs (not that I’m necessarily getting in haha), was stressing about girls, working long days, going out at night, et cetera. I was living life again. Living a life I forgot I had.

I know there are a lot of people on tumblr who are really struggling. Some of you are trans, some of you are queer, some both, some neither. The reasons you are struggling vary. Not everyone is lost in gender dysphoria. For some its anxiety or depression or mental health concerns brought on by something totally unrelated. I just want to remind everyone that there is life beyond that, life AFTER the struggle. You can’t always just sit around and wait it out. Often you need to seek help - tell someone you’re struggling. Get into therapy and/or see a psychiatrist, or come out, or something as seemingly simple as just telling your parents you’re being bullied. But there is help out there. I don’t believe there is a hopeless case - there is never something that you don’t have the ability somehow to get through. 

I just wanted to share this, because Jamey - the gay 14 year old who recently committed suicide - killed himself less than a year after he made an “It Gets Better” video. I believe he got lost in the muck and didn’t see a way out, didn’t see what life held for him. And I don’t want to lose any more people to this. I fortunately was never suicidal, but I did lose sight of life for a while, more than once, and I got through it, and now I am busy and stressed and sometimes really happy and sometimes really frustrated and I have fun and I get disappointed and I need more sleep and I’m living life post-struggle.

So you can do it. Don’t put on yr strong/brave face. It’s strong and brave to admit you need help. Talk to someone. And most importantly, know that this too will pass. I absolutely believe this.

(Wish me luck on these applications! Talk to you all - and I will get to some of yr “asks” - soon, I promise)

Posted 5 months ago with Notes // Comments