and the third birthday I’ve celebrated as Sebastian.

I remember the first one very vividly. I was a senior at Smith College, living in an on-campus apartment with two awesome women and another recently-out trans man, also awesome. One of the girls’ birthday was the 15th so we decided to have a joint birthday party.

She and her boyfriend got me a “Birthday Prince” crown and there was much ado about me being the birthday boy. I was not out to my parents yet and had just come out at Smith. Two birthdays were celebrated that year, one for the brand new birthday boy Sebastian, and one for the young woman Sarah. I lived “closeted” from my family for only a short period of months, but it was that birthday that so clearly highlighted my double-life. And that birthday really helped me see what I needed to do. Being Sebastian the birthday boy felt so good I cannot describe it in words.

The next year (last year) it was a different story. My parents had fully accepted me as Sebastian, I’d started testosterone and came out to my extended family and friends in the spring, after graduation my family had a ceremony saying goodbye to my previous presentation/identity and “welcoming Sebastian” into everyone’s lives, and that summer my parents had paid for my top surgery. And I was even dating someone who knew me only as Sebastian. For my birthday, my mother sent an email to her friends and some important people in my life, explaining that this was my first real birthday as Sebastian and in many ways was a rebirth-day, and she asked that as my parents’ present to me, they send me a note on that very special day. It was really powerful and beautiful. I wrote about it here.

Last year, though, I was still coming into my own in a lot of ways, gender identity included. Figuring out what it meant to be a boy or a man, to be a college graduate, to be a good son, brother, to be straight, etc. And also last year, though I had everyone’s love and general support, some family was still not totally behind my journey and my “new” identity. I didn’t get cards to “Sarah” but I got a few to “S.”

Not this year. This year I feel like I’ve aged three years since Oct 14 2010, and I don’t just mean physically haha. I just took the GREs and am applying to graduate schools, I have a steady job that I’m good at, a comfortable apartment that I can afford the rent on, a car that I still owe some money on, but whose insurance I pay. I know the direction I want to go in and I’m moving (more independently than ever) toward that direction. I am confident in my gender identity, expression, and presentation, though I still get jealous sometimes around my effortlessly hunky 6’+ friends with beards or stubble and broad shoulders… But the point is that I know I’m a man, I know what that means to me, and I feel 100% comfortable in that identity and in my expression of that identity.

Also, my family has slowly come to know me more as Sebastian. I made an effort to re establish contact with some family members through my transition this past year so they would know I was still mostly the same relative they’d known. For Christmas, my parents sent out a letter and a DVD with a slideshow of our holiday photos so everyone could see how we were doing (and also so everyone could see what it meant physically for me to now be Sebastian). These things I think helped. Also the confidence that has been growing in my own gender identity but also in other areas of my life and the maturity that comes through now when I speak about my plans or my life at present has also helped people get to know me as Sebastian.

Not only were all my cards, emails, messages, etc. addressed to Sebastian this year (with the one exception of an aunt who has settled on a nickname to help ease her into knowing this part of me), I got the sense that those who weren’t totally on board with my transition a year ago wanted to show that they supported it now.

My grandma’s emails, which usually don’t address me by name recently began opening with “Sebastian,” and her card to me this year said grandson on it and said I was handsome! It was a children’s card clearly which makes me think she specifically chose it because it said grandson. I cannot begin to describe how elated that makes me feel.

My parents, who as I said before were supportive and on board for my 23rd birthday, showed a different kind of support and respect this year. I think I became a young man in their eyes (up from my adolescent status). They gave me a card (also specifically addressing me as “son”) which said they had never been prouder of me.

For most people gender had nothing to do with my birthday. I DJ’d and some friends came out. Most of the ones that couldn’t make it sent me messages or facebooked me or called. Relatives left voicemails and emails. Probably for the first time, I had people wishing me happy birthday and calling me “birthday boy” who didn’t know I was transgender. That was cool for me.

I get the feeling that although it will always feel good to read nephew, brother, son, grandson, bro - or even someday uncle, father, grandfather -yikes!, my birthdays are going to be about me growing up from now on. Or you know just about celebrating me! Not about my transition or my gender. My third birthday as Sebastian will probably be my last “birthday as Sebastian.” Next year will just be Sebastian’s 25th birthday.

Posted 4 months ago with 27 notes // Comments