Anonymous: Do you identify as queer? Why or why not?

Yes. For lots of reasons

  1. I don’t believe that my relationships with women have been purely heterosexual. Not because I am trans, but because I think of queer as being a state of mind that liberates us from gender roles and limitations of sexuality. And I’d like to think I’ve always gone into relationships with a queer mindset.
  2. I sometimes wonder if my appreciation of the male form goes beyond that of a typical non-queer man.
  3. I like the term queer because it leaves room for the fluidity of one’s sexuality and/or gender identity. If I identified as purely heterosexual, I’d consider that denying the possibility of me ever being attracted to a non-female-identified person.
  4. Also queer works better than heterosexual and homosexual because it leaves room for non-binary identities. It also leaves room for the fact that at one point I did identify as gay.
  5. In terms of gender, queer is a nice way for me to say that I still identify with parts of my past that are not solely male.

That said, in the past 6 years, I have only dated women. And am at the moment sexually exclusively attracted to women. So I’m a queer straight guy. (It’s also fun to claim the label straight because it still messes with some people’s ignorant conceptions of gender and sexuality.)

vegun replied to your post: Do you identify as queer? Why or why not?

in response to 1. : do you think that a straight, cis couple with the same mindset can identify as queer, or is that appropriation?

Yes, I do, and I believe I know some couples like that. I also know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, and there is some importance in queer as a political term that is not misappropriated. BUT I think queer is most powerful as a political term when it can be applied to LOTS of different kinds of people. Thanks for asking - it’s a really good question. I hope I explained my thoughts well in that brief response.

Anonymous: who are your male role models?

I am fortunate to have a lot of adult men in my family who are not only great people but shining examples of masculinity in all its forms. For 6 months, I’ve been thinking about writing about my dad and how important his expression of masculinity and femininity have been to my development as a man. (Now that you’ve prompted me, I think I’ll start working on that tonight.)

I also have some great uncles, one of whom I keep in somewhat regular contact with since I transitioned via email “sport updates” when he fills me in on the world of college and professional ball :) When I came out to my extended family he sent me a “Welcome to the Other Side” package that included cigars, a book by Garrison Keiler, some Courvoisier, a romance movie, and a print-out of this joke so I knew we weren’t taking this too seriously :)

And I have a really fabulous second cousin who I got to know two years ago. He is the definition of a good person and a good man. Humble, generous, ALWAYS helping in any way he can, incredibly respectful of women, and constantly seeking education about his privilege and the ways he can let it go or use it to help those without.

I also have been known to look to some of my peers whom I really respect, both trans and cis, to get hints on how to be a good man in today’s society. How to be a man without taking advantage of male privilege (not to mention white privilege, class privilege, ablist privilege, etc.). How to be a male feminist. How to create yr own version of masculinity.

I think I’ve been truly fortunate that even since birth I’ve been surrounded by lots of different kinds of men, because that’s the most important part of learning how to be a man I think - it’s about learning how to be yourself. (Should I write that in a Hallmark card, guys?) But really, it is. It’s about learning that there are lots of ways to be men. And it’s about learning how not to follow the stereotypical path of manhood that society points us down, which inevitably leads to sexism, cissexism, homo- and transphobia, etc.

Anonymous: I saw that you had responded to some questions that a 15 y.o. asked regarding dysphoria, self-esteem, etc. At first, I considered just sending him a message, but then I realized that perhaps there are others who read your blog who could stand to benefit from what I'm going to say. I think that my perspective is somewhat unique, and may be valuable in that regard. I am sending this anonymously, because I am stealth. I apologize in advance for how wordy this is going to be, but I think that this is information that some people may benefit from. I know that I would have loved to know what I know now when I was younger.

I too transitioned at a relatively young age (11). I am now 20. I have been stealth for a good 7 years, been on some form of T for 6, am 4 years post-top surgery, 1 year post-hysto, and am saving up for bottom surgery.

Like Brandon, I also have a binary male identity. It has never felt right identifying as trans or any variant thereof. That's simply not who I am. To me, my transsexualism always has been and always will be nothing more than a birth defect, a medical condition that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. There are many others who feel similarly.

To address something else: We identify solely as male because that is simply the only thing that feels right. To not identify as trans is not an act of denial. Believe me, I am painfully aware of the fact that I wasn't born physically male. I know that this may be a difficult thing for someone with another perspective to understand, so I hope that I expressed myself well enough. It disheartens me when people misunderstand things like that. He is not in denial, he's just trying to make sense of things.

I obviously cannot speak from any other perspective, but for me, Brandon, and others who have transitioned but do not identify as trans, things can be very difficult. It can be very isolating. It is painful, frightening, and confusing to be a man, but to never be able to truly have the future, the body, or the life that you have envisioned for yourself. I'm sure that perhaps you and others can relate to what I'm saying. Brandon, I and others identify solely as male because nothing else feels right. Asking him to consider shifting how he self-identifies to make room for his body isn't necessarily helpful because it's most likely not possible. I can say that it certainly isn't for me. I know that you meant well by suggesting he read up on what you called "queer theory", but that may not be the right thing for everyone. When I tried to relate to that sort of thing, I always just ended up feeling even more alienated and isolated than I had before. The fact that I could not relate to that sort of thing (even though I am supposedly supposed to) made me feel even more isolated, even more of an outcast.

I was also very concerned about relationships as a teenager. I know that girls have expressed interest in me, but I have never known what to do there. At 20, I have never had any sort of relationship with a woman, and I do not see this changing any time soon. I have had many opportunities to date since early high school, but I have never felt even remotely comfortable with romantic situations. This is partly due to my desire for privacy, but it is overwhelmingly because of my hatred of and sheer discomfort with my body. I cannot imagine myself being sexual with another person, and there are many others who struggle with this same issue. I wish that I could offer more advice, but I'm really stuck here myself. Of course I would love to be in a relationship, but I'm not sure if that will ever work out for me. I would also love to be a biological father, but that's another thing that I will most likely never be able to have.

I just want to say that things do not necessarily get better as you become post-transition. You will still have moments of extreme dysphoria, you will still feel hopeless about things at times, and you will still feel angry that this is the life you have been given.

Things do not necessarily get better. I know that this is not the most optimistic message that I could be conveying to those who are early in transition, but it is unfortunately the truth. You will still have your struggles whether you are 5, 10, 20, or 50 years transitioned. I wish that I could have some more advice to give, but to be honest, I'm really still looking for some myself.

Good luck, Brandon. Good luck to everyone who is working to become their true selves.

I really want to thank you for writing in. You are right that yr perspective is unique, at least it is unique in terms of what we normally get to hear and read. I really appreciate you being honest about yr story and difficulties.

I want to quickly clear up a misconception about my response to Brandon. I did not say he had to identify as trans and I don’t think he does. I also didn’t want to give off the idea that he should change how he identifies. I don’t think anyone has the power to willfully do that. My point was that he could still identify as “just a guy” and leave room in that for his history. He does not need to identify as queer or trans if that is not who he is. The literature I recommended does fall under the category of “queer studies” but it is really just about expanding our concepts of male and female.

I agree that transition itself does not necessarily make things get better. I am torn here, because I fear that a large part of yr struggle is yr insistence that you were born with a birth defect. I am not challenging any part of yr identity, but I would think it would be impossible to be at peace with myself if I couldn’t come to terms with my history and the way I was born.

And I want to caution against yr blanket message that people who transition will continue to have dysphoria and struggles. It’s not a walk in the park but there are many trans men for whom the struggles of being trans become small, few and far between. And I think a lot of it has to do with coming to terms with some of the things you can’t change. And embracing the fact that there are lots of ways to be “just guys.” 

Congratulations on how far you’ve come and I wish you and everyone the best of luck. I’m sorry you continue to struggle with this and I hope that it gets better.

I also hope I was more clear this time about identities, etc.

bfox: Hey Sebastian, I'm Brandon. I'm 15 and I transitioned socially around 12, and I started T about 3 months ago. Lately I've been feeling really messed up. I have 0 self-confidence and I really hate my body, especially my genitals. I know of a few girls who like me (and who I kinda like back), but I don't feel comfortable at all dating or being in a sexual situation. It just feels wrong. I have such an intense hatred of my genitals and to a lesser extent the rest of my body that I just don't know what to do. I don't really identify as transgender, just as a guy, so maybe that's part of it. Anyway, I know that I'm young and not very far in transition, so I was just wondering if this changes overtime? Or do guys still have this problem even post transition? I know I'm young and everything, but I'm just paranoid. Thanks in advance man. I thought about posting this to fyftms but you seem like a cool guy and this is less impersonal, I guess. :)

Hey Brandon. First of all, I’m really sorry you’re struggling with this.

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to transition at yr age. Obviously, there are times I wish I had transitioned younger so that I could have started my “guy life” earlier. But early adolescence is so difficult anyway and few cisgender people are blessed with a healthy dose of self-esteem at the age. Everyone is awkward and figuring things out and are launching into life and sexuality with little to no experience. Self-confidence is something that I think largely comes from surviving this time in yr life. It comes from accruing experience. From making it through the hard stuff.

I’m guessing a lot of what you are feeling in terms of self esteem isn’t too far off from other 15 year old guys. But you also have other challenges because you are trans. Dealing with dysphoria and social situations is a lot easier when you go into it with self-confidence.

Like most things, dysphoria gets better with age. With experience. With maturity. It also gets better with time because of the nature of transition.

But I do think you are right to suggest that part of the dysphoria may be due to you identifying “just as a guy.” This is not to say that you must identify as trans to feel better, but it will help if you identify in such a way that allows for yr body. You are a guy with a female history (however you want to think of that - as living as female, as being seen as female, etc.). You’re still just a guy. Just a guy without an anatomical penis. Just a guy with a body that doesn’t naturally produce enough testosterone.

I think it will help you greatly if you can expand yr concept of what a guy is. Of what a guy’s body is. This isn’t to say that you won’t want to physically change yr body when can. Medical interventions can go a long way in helping us feel right in our bodies… but they won’t magically erase our female history. And if you are in denial about that and about its effects on yr body, I think you will have a hard time being comfortable with yr junk and whatever else, even after a full medical transition.

I know this is a heavy order. Try some reading about queer theory (Judith Butler and Kate Bornstein are good places to start). Look at images of all the different types of male bodies (both cis and trans, non-op, post-op, etc., etc.) Again, I’m not saying this will solve yr body issues. If we could make dysphoria disappear by “expanding our minds” we wouldn’t have to transition at all. But it will assuage it greatly I think. It will make you as comfortable as possible.

Now, dating-wise.. if you are attracted to people, I see no harm in putting yrself out there a bit and dating or even getting romantically involved. It’s going to be awkward. It’s awkward for everyone. You are literally learning how to interact romantically with others. I remember how awkward it was for me and I remember stories of my cis friends for whom it was just as awkward. Dating can definitely be fun, though, and you can chalk the bad experiences up to experience. You learn from everything.

And physically, don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.

Many trans men are sexually stone butch, meaning they don’t “receive attention” during sex. No need to even take yr clothes off. And honestly, you are still young (which you said). A lot of people yr age aren’t doing anything sexually, either, because they aren’t ready for their own reasons.

I hope this was helpful - I feel like it was all over the place. I didn’t transition until I was 21 and have a sort of crazy dating history (I started dating boys when I was living as a girl, then started dating girls, then came out as trans and had a girlfriend through the early stages of transition, then dated around a bit after I had begun transition). So obviously I can’t draw a lot of parallels to yr experience.

I do think that you may be assigning more issues to yr female history and not enough to just being 15. I also think that this is something a good therapist could really help with.

Best of luck - I really admire you and yr courage at this time in yr life. 

Anonymous: I heard one of my friends (a queer cis woman) talking about looking trans and how you can tell if someone looks trans even if they have been on T for a long time. What do you make of this?

I think a lot of things about this.

First, she is wrong. There is absolutely no such thing as “looking trans.” Sometimes there is a common look of young masculinity or femininity among those early in medical transition. But that is not “looking trans” because for most trans men, that phase lasts a few months and is something they are deliberately trying to move past. She may think she “can tell” but likely she has encountered many trans men and assumed they were cis. It’s absolute baloney and it actually infuriates me that this myth continues today. Nothing about a medically-transitioned trans man sends signals about his trans status/history unless he wants them to. I’ve been on T for 8 or 9 months (have I really lost track?) and still see flashes of the girl-version of me, and yet many people I encounter are surprised when they learn I’m trans. Queer people. People who know trans people. And I’m hardly far into transition or particularly manly-looking compared to other trans guys I know.

Second, there are some trans men who strongly identify with their transition and their feminine selves and do not want to look “cis.” They tend to be active in the queer community and perhaps this is who yr friend is referring to. She needs to know that not all trans men are like this.

Third, I think this is such an offensive way to talk about trans people. Regardless of its validity, a statement like this should never be made. Trans people should not be defined by who they were, especially if they are not announcing that history to you. I think if you have the opportunity to politely and as non-attackingly-as-possible bring this up, you should educate yr friend a little. You don’t want her to get defensive (and I know a lot of well-intentioned people who say pretty ignorant things about trans people, so I know that misinformed opinions are not markers of being a bad person), but she needs to know how harmful and hurtful statements like this are - not to mention inaccurate. 

Anonymous: What do you say to someone who says "Have as much HRT and surgery as you want, your sex will never be male because you have XX chromosomes"?

Which, technically I guess is true, but I don't see it that way and I don't quite know how to explain it

I say they have an incredibly narrow and inaccurate concept of what sex is.

There are non-trans people who have hormonal or chromosomal abnormalities and essentially are male (as they would define it) and have lived always as male and have two X chromosomes.

And to be honest, most of us never have chromosomal tests, so we don’t know what exactly is going in. We make assumptions based on our hormones, our puberty, and our genitalia. I read somewhere that there are many people who are technically intersex and never know. Or don’t know until they are trying to have children and are infertile or something.

So my point is even this thing that they think so clearly defines sex doesn’t. So why must anything else? Being male is something separate from chromosomes, hormones, genitalia, etc. And they simply just do not know what they are talking about