"I doubt I could adequately describe what “gender sadness” feels like to someone who is not transgendered. I suppose that in some ways it is similar to other kinds of sadness. For instance, you know that feeling you get when someone you love more than anything breaks up with you? And it’s about a month or two after the big break-up and you are trying to get on with your life. But no matter how busy you keep yourself, thoughts about that person just keep popping into your head about 100 times a day, and everytime they do you feel a bit of sadness. Well that’s kind of what gender sadness felt like for me during most of my life. While i was always struggling with it, I could still go out and have a few laughs or go about my business and be relatively productive and happy for the most part. But unlike most types of sadness or grief, which tend to get a little less intense with every day that passes, gender sadness just keeps getting more and more intense. And by the year 2000, I had reached the point where the sadness felt more like what one feels on the actual day of the big break-up, when you can’t concentrate at all and you are totally consumed with thoughts of the person you loved. That’s how I felt almost every day: consumed with gender sadness. Literally every other thought I had was about gender, about my pain. I could not get around it. It sucked all of the life out of me. I stopped calling friends, stopped writing songs and listening to music, I would go into work and just stare at the computer screen without really doing anything. It hurt as much as any other pain (physical or emotional) that I had ever felt before. And I knew there was only one way to ease that pain: transitioning."

—

Julia Serano, on gender sadness (via femmesandfamily)

This is so well-written and true to my experience as well.

(via pinebark)

Anonymous: I can relate very intensely to the anonymous poster. Thank you so much for publishing that. I really feel very alone in everything, but it is a relief to know that I'm not the only one struggling.

I am also post-transition, and I've lately been experiencing a lot of dysphoria. As he mentioned, I am still very angry that I have been given this life. I know that I should strive toward self-acceptance, but I don't know how to do that. I also consider this to be a birth defect, and to me that's not something that's going to change.

I had been thinking about starting a blog of some sort, but I really don't know how to get started or anything. I think it would be good to have some stuff out there from different perspectives.

I encourage the blog-starting.

Also, as a psychologist in training, I would really recommend counseling. Therapy is covered under a lot of insurance plans and some therapists will offer sliding scale payment options if yr insurance doesn’t cover them. 

We all deserve peace of mind, you know. And sometimes we need a little help finding it.

Anonymous: I really appreciate you posting what that last anonymous person sent in. I could relate to almost everything he said. It's really nice to see someone talk about the darker sides of transition for once. I am years post transition and I still have dysphoria, I still struggle, a lot. I would like to see more discussion of this. The majority of FTM related blogs (not saying this about yours) make post-transition life out to be a walk in the park, but it's not.

I would LOVE to see a post-transition blog of a younger trans guy. There are some great ones from grown adult men, but I’d like to read about a guy in his 20s who considers himself post-transition. I’d actually really love it if he was stealth, too. This is a story we don’t get to hear much.

A lot of the FTM community online is focused on short-term physical changes. In the beginning that seems like the only thing we could ever need, but as we move through transition we quickly learn that there is a lot more to being a man and being a trans man.

I can only share my experiences here and I am only a year into my transition. I also relate to my past self and have one specific type of male identity, which includes to some extent my being trans. I welcome other perspectives and would LOVE to read more about yr experiences and those like yrs.

Anonymous: I saw that you had responded to some questions that a 15 y.o. asked regarding dysphoria, self-esteem, etc. At first, I considered just sending him a message, but then I realized that perhaps there are others who read your blog who could stand to benefit from what I'm going to say. I think that my perspective is somewhat unique, and may be valuable in that regard. I am sending this anonymously, because I am stealth. I apologize in advance for how wordy this is going to be, but I think that this is information that some people may benefit from. I know that I would have loved to know what I know now when I was younger.

I too transitioned at a relatively young age (11). I am now 20. I have been stealth for a good 7 years, been on some form of T for 6, am 4 years post-top surgery, 1 year post-hysto, and am saving up for bottom surgery.

Like Brandon, I also have a binary male identity. It has never felt right identifying as trans or any variant thereof. That's simply not who I am. To me, my transsexualism always has been and always will be nothing more than a birth defect, a medical condition that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. There are many others who feel similarly.

To address something else: We identify solely as male because that is simply the only thing that feels right. To not identify as trans is not an act of denial. Believe me, I am painfully aware of the fact that I wasn't born physically male. I know that this may be a difficult thing for someone with another perspective to understand, so I hope that I expressed myself well enough. It disheartens me when people misunderstand things like that. He is not in denial, he's just trying to make sense of things.

I obviously cannot speak from any other perspective, but for me, Brandon, and others who have transitioned but do not identify as trans, things can be very difficult. It can be very isolating. It is painful, frightening, and confusing to be a man, but to never be able to truly have the future, the body, or the life that you have envisioned for yourself. I'm sure that perhaps you and others can relate to what I'm saying. Brandon, I and others identify solely as male because nothing else feels right. Asking him to consider shifting how he self-identifies to make room for his body isn't necessarily helpful because it's most likely not possible. I can say that it certainly isn't for me. I know that you meant well by suggesting he read up on what you called "queer theory", but that may not be the right thing for everyone. When I tried to relate to that sort of thing, I always just ended up feeling even more alienated and isolated than I had before. The fact that I could not relate to that sort of thing (even though I am supposedly supposed to) made me feel even more isolated, even more of an outcast.

I was also very concerned about relationships as a teenager. I know that girls have expressed interest in me, but I have never known what to do there. At 20, I have never had any sort of relationship with a woman, and I do not see this changing any time soon. I have had many opportunities to date since early high school, but I have never felt even remotely comfortable with romantic situations. This is partly due to my desire for privacy, but it is overwhelmingly because of my hatred of and sheer discomfort with my body. I cannot imagine myself being sexual with another person, and there are many others who struggle with this same issue. I wish that I could offer more advice, but I'm really stuck here myself. Of course I would love to be in a relationship, but I'm not sure if that will ever work out for me. I would also love to be a biological father, but that's another thing that I will most likely never be able to have.

I just want to say that things do not necessarily get better as you become post-transition. You will still have moments of extreme dysphoria, you will still feel hopeless about things at times, and you will still feel angry that this is the life you have been given.

Things do not necessarily get better. I know that this is not the most optimistic message that I could be conveying to those who are early in transition, but it is unfortunately the truth. You will still have your struggles whether you are 5, 10, 20, or 50 years transitioned. I wish that I could have some more advice to give, but to be honest, I'm really still looking for some myself.

Good luck, Brandon. Good luck to everyone who is working to become their true selves.

I really want to thank you for writing in. You are right that yr perspective is unique, at least it is unique in terms of what we normally get to hear and read. I really appreciate you being honest about yr story and difficulties.

I want to quickly clear up a misconception about my response to Brandon. I did not say he had to identify as trans and I don’t think he does. I also didn’t want to give off the idea that he should change how he identifies. I don’t think anyone has the power to willfully do that. My point was that he could still identify as “just a guy” and leave room in that for his history. He does not need to identify as queer or trans if that is not who he is. The literature I recommended does fall under the category of “queer studies” but it is really just about expanding our concepts of male and female.

I agree that transition itself does not necessarily make things get better. I am torn here, because I fear that a large part of yr struggle is yr insistence that you were born with a birth defect. I am not challenging any part of yr identity, but I would think it would be impossible to be at peace with myself if I couldn’t come to terms with my history and the way I was born.

And I want to caution against yr blanket message that people who transition will continue to have dysphoria and struggles. It’s not a walk in the park but there are many trans men for whom the struggles of being trans become small, few and far between. And I think a lot of it has to do with coming to terms with some of the things you can’t change. And embracing the fact that there are lots of ways to be “just guys.” 

Congratulations on how far you’ve come and I wish you and everyone the best of luck. I’m sorry you continue to struggle with this and I hope that it gets better.

I also hope I was more clear this time about identities, etc.

bfox: Hey Sebastian, I'm Brandon. I'm 15 and I transitioned socially around 12, and I started T about 3 months ago. Lately I've been feeling really messed up. I have 0 self-confidence and I really hate my body, especially my genitals. I know of a few girls who like me (and who I kinda like back), but I don't feel comfortable at all dating or being in a sexual situation. It just feels wrong. I have such an intense hatred of my genitals and to a lesser extent the rest of my body that I just don't know what to do. I don't really identify as transgender, just as a guy, so maybe that's part of it. Anyway, I know that I'm young and not very far in transition, so I was just wondering if this changes overtime? Or do guys still have this problem even post transition? I know I'm young and everything, but I'm just paranoid. Thanks in advance man. I thought about posting this to fyftms but you seem like a cool guy and this is less impersonal, I guess. :)

Hey Brandon. First of all, I’m really sorry you’re struggling with this.

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to transition at yr age. Obviously, there are times I wish I had transitioned younger so that I could have started my “guy life” earlier. But early adolescence is so difficult anyway and few cisgender people are blessed with a healthy dose of self-esteem at the age. Everyone is awkward and figuring things out and are launching into life and sexuality with little to no experience. Self-confidence is something that I think largely comes from surviving this time in yr life. It comes from accruing experience. From making it through the hard stuff.

I’m guessing a lot of what you are feeling in terms of self esteem isn’t too far off from other 15 year old guys. But you also have other challenges because you are trans. Dealing with dysphoria and social situations is a lot easier when you go into it with self-confidence.

Like most things, dysphoria gets better with age. With experience. With maturity. It also gets better with time because of the nature of transition.

But I do think you are right to suggest that part of the dysphoria may be due to you identifying “just as a guy.” This is not to say that you must identify as trans to feel better, but it will help if you identify in such a way that allows for yr body. You are a guy with a female history (however you want to think of that - as living as female, as being seen as female, etc.). You’re still just a guy. Just a guy without an anatomical penis. Just a guy with a body that doesn’t naturally produce enough testosterone.

I think it will help you greatly if you can expand yr concept of what a guy is. Of what a guy’s body is. This isn’t to say that you won’t want to physically change yr body when can. Medical interventions can go a long way in helping us feel right in our bodies… but they won’t magically erase our female history. And if you are in denial about that and about its effects on yr body, I think you will have a hard time being comfortable with yr junk and whatever else, even after a full medical transition.

I know this is a heavy order. Try some reading about queer theory (Judith Butler and Kate Bornstein are good places to start). Look at images of all the different types of male bodies (both cis and trans, non-op, post-op, etc., etc.) Again, I’m not saying this will solve yr body issues. If we could make dysphoria disappear by “expanding our minds” we wouldn’t have to transition at all. But it will assuage it greatly I think. It will make you as comfortable as possible.

Now, dating-wise.. if you are attracted to people, I see no harm in putting yrself out there a bit and dating or even getting romantically involved. It’s going to be awkward. It’s awkward for everyone. You are literally learning how to interact romantically with others. I remember how awkward it was for me and I remember stories of my cis friends for whom it was just as awkward. Dating can definitely be fun, though, and you can chalk the bad experiences up to experience. You learn from everything.

And physically, don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.

Many trans men are sexually stone butch, meaning they don’t “receive attention” during sex. No need to even take yr clothes off. And honestly, you are still young (which you said). A lot of people yr age aren’t doing anything sexually, either, because they aren’t ready for their own reasons.

I hope this was helpful - I feel like it was all over the place. I didn’t transition until I was 21 and have a sort of crazy dating history (I started dating boys when I was living as a girl, then started dating girls, then came out as trans and had a girlfriend through the early stages of transition, then dated around a bit after I had begun transition). So obviously I can’t draw a lot of parallels to yr experience.

I do think that you may be assigning more issues to yr female history and not enough to just being 15. I also think that this is something a good therapist could really help with.

Best of luck - I really admire you and yr courage at this time in yr life. 

Anonymous: I'm an FTM who is only 5'2" tall. Being so short has always frustrated me, because I'm shorter than almost everyone I know, and it has started to make me feel so dysphoric that I cannot watch shows with tall people or stand next to those who are taller than me without feeling intensely miserable.
my dysphoria has gotten such that I've started to have suicidal thoughts and I cannot imagine living the rest of my life. I'm not out to my parents so I can't get a therapist, and I don't know what to do.

I know a LOT of short trans men who live successfully in the world. I just want to repeat this to you every time you are feeling dysphoric about yr height. Height is just part of who we are physically. And unfortunately, it is conflated in many of our minds to be something far more important than it is.

Now, me saying this probably doesn’t make you feel better when you are standing next to a six foot guy. I’ve felt the sting of jealousy, dysphoria, and questioning my own masculinity when I found myself heads shorter than all the other men in the room. That is hard to just will away. But you can focus on the parts of you that you like. The other parts that make you who you are, physically and otherwise. There are things you have going for you that I bet none of the other men in the room do, you know? Why let height be the characteristic that determines yr self-confidence and sense of masculine gender?

[FIND YR OWN “FUCK THAT! I’m _____”]

Also, when I was traveling last week, I realized that being shorter than average means you can fit in planes, buses, back seats of cars so much more easily. And all those super cute short girls aren’t coming up to yr waist like they would on six foot whatever guys, which I would think would be awkward most of the time.

And this is not just an issue for trans men. There are lots of shorter cis men, too. And height is part of this social doctrine of masculinity and heteronormative coupling to such a great and uncriticized extent that lots of cis men who are below-average height have insecurity around this issue, too. http://fuckyeahshortguys.tumblr.com/ is an AWESOME site that is really helpful in reminding us that not only is there a spectrum of height for cis and trans men, but being short doesn’t have to have anything to do with attractiveness, celebrity, success, etc.

And something else that might be helpful is to get angry. GET MAD at this society that tells us men are six foot (which is way above average, by the way), taller than women, certainly taller than their female heterosexual counterparts, and that their masculinity is somehow rooted in this tallness. GET MAD at a society that leads to this. You are masculine, you are beautiful. Who cares if you are 5’2”? It has NOTHING to do with it!

And as a personal note to you, sir (dear asker), please try to find a way to get into therapy. I cannot help with suicidal thoughts, and you do not deserve to be feeling that way or to continue to feel that way. You deserve to live and to be excited about living. And that’s something that therapy can really help with. Maybe tell yr parents you are depressed without disclosing the reasons? Or seek a therapist without their knowledge? If it’s an issue of paying for one, many gender-variance specialists work with their clients to make it affordable.